Thayer Global Speaker Series: Damour offers practical advice to help teens

Today’s teenagers might want different things depending upon the week, the day, or even the hour, but what the research says they need, according to Dr. Lisa Damour, is a steady presence in their lives.

“The single most powerful force for adolescent mental health is strong relationships with caring adults,” Damour told her Hale Theater audience Dec. 5 as guest speaker for the latest installment of the Thayer Global Speaker Series. 

A clinical psychologist and best-selling author of three books — Untangled, Under Pressure, and The Emotional Lives of Teenagers — Damour spent that entire day at Thayer. She began by speaking to faculty and staff in an early morning professional development session. She then met with both Middle School and Upper School students during the school day before addressing families in an evening talk.

“Thank you for sharing your school and your kids with me,” Damour said that evening. She noted that the level of authentic student accessibility she encountered throughout the day spoke volumes about the level of adult-student trust that exists at Thayer. 

Damour’s advice was practical, research-based, and reassuring. She began her talk with Upper School students, for instance, not by highlighting the latest psychological studies but by asking seniors how they were doing during the frenzied college application process. She offered the perspective that, five or 10 years down the road, people will focus more on what a person did with their education than

where they went to college. She also reassured the Class of 2025 that once these jam-packed application weeks were in the rearview mirror, they’d get their time back. 

Regardless of the group she addressed, Damour made one point clear: Stress — or “distress” as Damour more often referred to it — is part of life and a necessary component of real growth. 

“It’s good to feel good, and I’m all about feeling good,” Damour said, “but that’s not what mental health is.” True mental health, she said, is not the absence of stress but having feelings commensurate with the experience and then properly managing those feelings. 

As Damour explained, psychologists break down coping strategies into two large camps: those that bring relief with no harm and those that bring relief at a cost. That latter group — that includes behaviors like substance abuse, collapsing inward with self-blame, and taking it out on others — are the ones in need of further attention. But if the coping strategies relieve stress in a constructive or even just a benign way — like running, swimming, listening to music, watching television, and reading — then stress is likely being managed in a healthy way.

“As long as it brings relief and does no harm, we’re good with it,” Damour said. 

Damour also counseled families that an existence of dramatic ups and downs is pretty much the neurological definition of a teenager. However, she said, it’s time to be concerned when a teen is in a dark and concerning mood and stays there for a considerable amount of time. It’s also time to be concerned when there’s a possibility of self-harm or harm to others. At that point, lovingly but directly addressing the situation is recommended. 

“If a kid is thinking about hurting themselves,” said Damour, “they’re glad you asked.” 

Damour, who among her many accomplishments recently served as a consultant to Pixar on the film Inside Out 2, expressed tremendous respect for teenagers; she called them the real experts already doing the work to problem-solve and maintain their own mental health. Damour also urged parents and guardians to be that steady presence as their children build the coping skills needed for the real world. 

“All opportunities have uncertainty, and maybe a little misery, built right in,” said Damour. “The ability to handle distress is what opens the world up for our kids.” 

Resources for the Thayer Community

• Watch the Global Speakers event on the Thayer parent portal (Thayer login required)
• Watch the Global Speakers event and professional development session on the faculty/staff portal (Thayer login required)

Note: these videos may not be distributed. 

The Thayer Global Speaker Series brings thought leaders, innovators, and difference-makers to the Thayer campus
to engage the community in issues that matter to the world.